Momathon Blog

Does having kids make men less sexy?

 

A new study says testosterone levels drop when guys have kids. Before your guy freaks out because he thinks this means his manhood suffers because of fatherhood, I've got a spoiler alert:

Lower male testosterone levels in this study reflect an improved capacity to care for their children–and that in my opinion also means an improved ability to care for their mates which makes guys even sexier.

Fatherhood may lower the testosterone levels responsible for competing for a mate, but at the same time this hormonal change enhances the ability to be calm and attentive. 

(Photo above by Mentafredda)

Are couples today more monogamous?

 

With all the news of celebrity splits due to infidelity, is it really possible that monogamy is on the rise? According to a recent study of 6,864 straight and gay men and women published in the journal Family Process, the rate of monogamy has been rising since 1975. The study appears to be good news for couples, but the research...

Daily doodle: more (heart) please

"Do you remember we were sitting there by the water? 

You put your arm around me for the first time,  

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter,  

You are the best thing that's ever been mine..."

 

~ Mine lyrics by Taylor Swift 

 

(Mine music video by Taylor Swift.)

 

You can see more of my doodles at Momathon doodles. Illustration: Chris Olson © 2011.

Should you give a "work spouse" a Valentine?

To be honest I had never thought much about "work spouses"--a term for co-workers with close relationships--or giving one a Valentine until I read Sue Shellenbarger's WSJ article today. Sure, I think bringing a bunch of heart-shaped cookies or cupcakes to work for the office is sweet and festive. Who doesn't enjoy an excuse for a party at work? However--and this is a big however--if you give a special Valentine gift to one of your co-workers who you also consider to be a "work spouse," then perhaps you have gone too far on this romantic holiday. 

Or maybe not? I guess celebrating Valentine's Day with a work spouse doesn't have to be about romance, but I wonder if the "real spouse" at home would agree with you? According to Shellenberger's article: 

For Valentine's Day on Monday, Amy McMahon will be celebrating twice. She's preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for her longtime boyfriend and giving him a gift card from his favorite fitness website. That same day, Ms. McMahon will be giving her "work husband" some small heart-shaped cakes and a sentimental card.

So what exactly is a work spouse? Urban Dictionary defines a work wife as: 

That person at work (same or opposite sex) that takes the place of your "at home" spouse while you are at work (no sexual relationship is part of this being!) You talk with, connect to, and relate to this person as good as or better than your "at home" spouse with regards to all things work related.

Office buddies and an office spouse obviously are not the same. Having a deep--yet platonic--relationship with a co-worker is a modern office trend. An estimated two-thirds of workers have a work wife or office husband according to survey by Captivate.com. The survey findings might surprise you: 

Though respondents generally keep interaction with their work spouse confined to the office (55% talk to their work spouse a few times a day in the workplace), a sizeable number continually communicate with their work spouse throughout the day. 21% talk, instant message (IM) and email their work spouse constantly during the workday, and 24% engage in this level of communication with their work spouse even on weekends and weeknights.

Since I barely have enough time in a day to talk to my "real spouse," I can't imagine having enough time for a deep friendship with a "work spouse." And when in the day would I ever carve out enough time to buy a work spouse a Valentine? 

An estimated one billion Valentine's Day cards were sent worldwide in 2010 and I'm sure many were sent to that other spouse. Celebrating Valentine's day with an office spouse doesn't make sense to me. Call me a hopeless romantic. I like the sentiment of Geoffrey Chaucer when he wrote a poem celebrating one of the very first Saint Valentine's Day:

    For this was Saint Valentine's Day,

    when every bird cometh there to choose his mate.

 

(Illustration: Chris Olson © 2011.) 

New study says 30% of young couples who agree to monogamy cheat

Have you had the monogamy talk with your partner? And if you had the talk, have you really agreed to agree on exclusivity?

According to a new study of heterosexual couples between the ages of 18 to 25 by Oregon State University, many couples do not share their opinions on exclusivity:

In 40% of couples studied, only one partner says the couple agreed to be sexually exclusive. The other partner said there was no agreement.

Even among those who agreed they had an explicit agreement to be monogamous, almost 30% had broken the agreement, with at least one partner having had sex outside the relationship.

The sexual health consequences of not communicating the terms of your relationship can be serious because length of time in a relationship does not guarantee monogamy. Researchers Jocelyn Warren and Marie Harvey of Oregon State University studied data from the PARTNERS Project, a Center for Disease Control-funded study conducted by Harvey.

Engaging in safe sex requires partners to communicate their rules about exclusivity. Practicing safe sex is still key in a longterm relationship. "While previous research indicates condom use declines as couples become more intimate and steady over time, the OSU study of married and non-married couples shows some partners are not communicating effectively about the terms of their relationship," according to an article by Melissa Navas in OregonLive.com.

In the study, married couples were not more likely than unmarried couples to have an explicit monogamy agreement in place. "Factors such as marriage and children did not increase the likelihood that the couple had agreed to monogamy," according to e! Science News.

Is monogamy a myth? The new study suggests couples need to talk more about their opinions on exclusivity and assume less. "In light of their findings, the study authors suggest that health professionals advocate condom use whether a young patient says the relationship is monogamous or not," says blogger Jamie Beckman in SheKnows Sex.


Illustration: Chris Olson © 2011.

New study says teens are more safe-sex conscious than baby boomers

In the largest sexual health survey since 1994, 14 to 17-year-old teens are more likely to use safe practices than adults over 40. The study by the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University published Monday in The Journal of Sexual Medicine suggests that condoms don't have the same stigma for teens as they do for adults. 

According to the study, 79% of 14 to 17-year-old teens used a condom on their most recent sexual encounter compared to only 25% of all men. The lowest rates of condom use are among adults over 40 years of age. Considering the fact that the risk of contracting an STD dramatically increases when condoms are not used, this condom aversion by boomers is a dangerous trend. Unless couples are in a monogamous relationship, skipping the condom is not a wise choice at any age. Older adults may think they don't need to worry about STDs, however a recent spike HIV infections in women over 60 proves that no age group is immune to STDs.

The survey was funded by Church & Dwight Co. Inc., which manufactures Trojan brand condoms. 

More information about the study's findings can be found at the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior website provided by Indiana University. 

For more information on about sexual health check out my posts on Sex and Relationships 

(Ilustration: Chris Olson © 2010) 

Marriage and the surprising sex stats in the book "For Better"

 

Married people are still having fun in bed according to Tara Parker-Pope's new book For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage. She interviews biologists, neuroscientists, psychologists, and sociologists to understand the science behind love, sex, and marital bonds. 

"Despite all the jokes about marriage being a romance-killer, research cited shows married people are actually having more sex than people who have never married, who are divorced or widowed, or who are unmarried and living together."

Unfortunately we can't read a marriage manual before we tie the knot. But Parker-Pope's book offers a practical guide to understanding many of the mysteries of love and married life.

Sex is always a hot topic when discussing a successful vs. an unsuccessful marriage. According to a Melinda Beck's recent WSJ.com article, Couples Can Still Revive Their Sexual Spark, Despite Modern Life's Many Mood Killers. Here are a few stats from Beck's article:

• Average number of times married couples have sex annually is 58.
• Average number of times married couples under age 30 have sex annually is 111.
• 70% of men think about sex every day--that's twice the rate of women.
• 40% of men and 28% of women would like to have more sex than they do.
• 83% of men enjoy sex a great deal--just 59% of women do.
• 40% of women never or infrequently feel sexual desire, but only 13% expressed discontent with sexual experience.

For more great reads, check out my reading list on Momathon books.

(Illustration above © Chris Olson)

Sex Happens: What Do You Say If Your Teen Is Having Sex?

Are 14-year-olds ready to have sex?  Many teens think they are and moms across the country are getting upset.

If your teen is thinking about having sex for the first time, then no matter how upset this may make you feel you need to have an honest and nonjudgemental conversation with them. Dr. Laura Berman, a sex therapist and talk show host on Oprah Radio, has 8 crucial questions you need to ask to get the conversation going. And don't procrastinate, have the talk TONIGHT.

Here's the link for the questions to ask your teen on Oprah.com.

For those of you who think your son or daughter isn't thinking about sex. THINK AGAIN. You might be surprised at what middle school girls and boys are saying about sex. Teens know a lot more about sex than we think they do. And sexual pressures on teens are increasing. Receiving sexually explicit text messages--called "sexting"-- is harmful to their development and illegal. Obviously teens need to be educated about  STD prevention and pregnancy, but they also need to be able to deal with sexual pressures. Teen girls today talk about how many kids believe oral sex is a way to boost popularity. So what are teens saying? Dr. Berman talks to girls in middle school about making healthy sexual decisions in this Oprah.com video clip.

Watch today's Oprah Show to hear Dr. Laura Berman talk to teens and parents about teens and their decisons regarding relationships and sex.

For more information on when to start talking to your children about sex, you can download Dr. Berman's guide to talking to your children and teens link here: How to Have the Sex Talk with Kids.

Can You Recession-Proof Your Marriage?

Money is a huge stresser in a marriage even in the best of economic times. Throw in a national/international economic meltdown and you can easily get caught up in a cycle of fear and anxiety. On a really bad day it might be difficult to even remember just why you and your spouse are together. 

Money can't buy love, as the Beatles would say. We can't put a price on love or a good marriage, it's priceless. So why does the economic downturn put a bad spin our closest relationship? And can we reverse the trend?

The good news is couples can work together to make their lives better even in the worst of economic times. Oprah Radio host Gayle King recently talked with fellow host Laura Berman about how to keep your marriage strong during tough times. You can listen to 8 minutes of the interview at this Oprah.com link. 

Here is my take on some of Dr. Berman's tips from the complete interview:

• Make it a priority to spend at least 10 minutes a day together to talk. No kids around. No news on TV. Instead concentrate on each other. Get outside and go for a walk together.
• Recognize the good things in daily life, not just the problems. When you think positively about the future, you won't pile your worries on each other. 
• Work out your budget goals together and check-in with updates regularly.
• Remember to take time for you as a couple. You don't have to spend money on your date. Take a mini break together weekly and escape the craziness of the economic woes. Oh yeah. This can be a great time to have some fun and make sex happen.
• Even the most progressive women can become gender biased when times get tough. We tend to define ourselves and our spouses by their job. So if a spouse loses a job, remember this loss should not change their importance in a relationship.

Even though I might sound like an Oprah commercial, I also want to suggest checking out one more Oprah event that relates to this topic. Tomorrow, April 8th, The Oprah Winfrey Show will be all about how to recession-proof your marriage. Oprah will talk to M. Gary Neuman about a step-by-step action plan to recession-proof your marriage and your family. You can watch a preview clip of this interview at this link. Families are in financial crisis across America. If you or someone you know has a bank account that is nearly empty, a house up for foreclosure, what can be done to save the marriage? Check out the Oprah show tomorrow.

Come Twitter With Me

If you haven't joined Twitter yet, check it out. You might even want to create your own account. You can follow my tweets on Twitter.com/Momathon.

Julia Angwin recently wrote an insightful how-to article on Twittering at WSJ.com. Angwin, WSJ.com's senior technology editor, sums it up:

"Twitter is a mass text-messaging service that allows you to send short 140-character updates -- or "tweets" -- to a bunch of people at once. They are your "followers." It was designed to be read on a cellphone, though many people read it online, too... On Twitter, however, you do not exist without followers, who subscribe to receive your messages."

Why Twitter? I like Twitter because it allows me to tap into an amazing community of people from around the world.

Twittering can be addictive. Networking with your followers and updating your Twitter page is time consuming. Beware: Spending too much time in Twittersphere means your "real" relationships could suffer.

Will Twitter create the next wave of break ups? Today geeksugar reports that Twitter may be to blame for splitting up celebrity couple Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. According to a post on geeksugar: 

"Mayer told Aniston that he was too busy to get in touch with her, yet he always managed to have the time to update his Twitter page. Eventually, Aniston got fed up with John putting his Tweeting priorities ahead of his relationship so she decided to call it quits."

The bottom line: Have fun on Twitter, but if you can't remember when you last talked face-to-face with your family, then it is time to take a Twitter break. A very long break from Twittersphere.

1 in 3 Teens in Abusive Relationship

Love doesn't have to hurt. Violence in a relationship is unacceptable. Unfortunately teen dating abuse is a growing problem--whether the abuse is physical, emotional or mental. Sadly, teens (as well as adults) in abusive relationships cling to the false hope that the violence won't escalate and get worse.

To stop the trend of violence, parents need to talk to their teens about dating violence and let them know that abuse of any kind is not acceptable.

According to the Do Something.org

"One in three teens is in an abusive relationship. And most partners stay in the relationship after the first act of violence."

The "alleged" beating of pop star Rihanna by Chris Brown, inspired a new PSA about the dangers of dating violence. The PSA featuring actors re-enacting the singers confrontation was pieced together using statements made in the LAPD's affadavit of the Feb. 8th incident when Brown reportedly punched, bit and choked Rihanna. 
To see the PSA created by DoSomething.org, just go to this link at  YouTube.

"Brown, 19, faces felony charges of assault and making criminal threats that stemmed from a confrontation in early February after Rihanna found a text message on his cell phone, according to a sworn police statement," reports Kansas.com.

Even after seeing the photo Rhianna's bruised and bloodied face, many teen girls commenting on the internent minimized Brown's alleged behavior and forgave the abuser. Some even blamed Rihanna for causing the fight.

Why would a teen or anyone accept violence in a relationship? "This whole idea that control and jealousy equals love is very dangerous," said Susan Cayouette, co-director of Emerge, a batterer's counseling service in Boston according to The Boston Globe.

Will anger management classes prevent future domestic abuse? The news isn't good. "Anger management teaches behavioral techniques," says Cayouette in the Boston Globe, such as counting to 10. "It was never designed for intimate partner violence, which is more layered and complex." However, more intensive therapy such as certified abuse intervention programs could offer help.

For more information about intervention and counseling about dating danger among teens check out the resources included in the NYTimes.com

The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline

Day One: a legal representation and advice organization for young people in New York City.

A campaign with videos and "callout cards" to help teenagers fend off digital harrassment.

"Love Doesn't Have To Hurt Teens," from the American Psychological Association.

From Liz Claiborne Inc., which sponsored research on adolescent dating relationships.

Resources to Help Families and Teens Prevent or Stop Abuse

Love Potion in a Tea?

I love tea. When I heard that a new tea boosts your libido, I knew I had to get it. As my kids would tell me: TMI. That's probably true....but at least I admit improving anything in my life--even my sex life--is worth considering. Haven't tried the tea yet. I'll keep you posted.  

Get Passionate tea by The Republic of Tea is a herbal blend crafted from organic rooibos. Includes exotic muira puama bark and ashwagandha root (both said to invigorate a lagging libido), plus Peruvian maca root (revered as an aphrodisiac), plus flirty lemon verbena blended with passionflower and passionfruit. Tea sold in a variety of sizes. $10 for 36 bags.

Looking for other ways tea can improve your life? Here are just a few more premium teas by The Republic of Tea.

Get Happy tea

Caffeine-free herbal brew based on organic rooibos, bright flavors of lemon myrtle and luscious peach, blend of calming lemon balm, St. John's wort and rhodiola. 

Get Gorgeous tea

Organic caffeine-free tea blend with rooibos is brimming with antioxidants - your skin's best friend

Get Charged tea

Caffeine-free herbal tea with high-antioxidant, organic rooibos, includes soothing chaste berry and black cohosh (encourages hormonal harmony and can assist in reducing premenstrual and menopausal annoyances)

Get Clean tea

Caffeine-free herbal detox blend helps the body help itself, stimulates the liver (natural cleansing mechanisms)

Get it Going tea

Caffeine-free herbal tea for constipation is  a blend of organic rooibos and senna leaves to help you "get it going" gently. (Senna is known for its mildly laxative effects)

Get Lost tea

Caffeine-free blend for weight control with organic rooibos, includes tropical banaba leaf, cinnamon and carob (satisfy the appetite)

Get Some Zzz's tea

Caffeine-free herbal blend with organic rooibos, soothing chamomile, passionflower, valerian (mellowing properties)

Sex and Your Health: Link Between HPV and Oral Cancer

We know the sexually transmitted infection HPV (human papillomavirus) is linked to cervical cancer. But did you know that now doctors say there is also a link between oral sex and throat cancer. According to ABC News reports, a study by researchers at John Hopkins shows that patients with oral cancer are getting younger and many have HPV-16 in their biopsy specimen.

According to the American Cancer Society, more than 34,000 people in the U.S. have oral cancer and 39% of those cases are related to HPV. Patients with oral cancer include both men and women. Many patients are in their 30s and 40s, non-smokers, and otherwise healthy adults. HPV is transmitted by direct contact, which means you only get the virus in the location it attaches. That means HPV doesn't travel through the bloodstream from someplace else. How does it get in the mouth? There is a link between oral sex and oral cancer. Doctors haven't been able to rule out transmission by saliva through kissing, sharing drinks, etc. You can't wash the HPV out of your mouth. Instead you have to treat the virus with an extensive drug treatment.

Unfortunately there is no oral screening method for HPV through saliva. You have to pay attention to the symptoms: a persistent sore throat accompanied by swollen glands. Men are 35% more likely than women to develop HPV-related oral cancer according to the John Hopkins study.

Now is a great time to talk to your teen about HPV and oral cancer. Because teens tend to think oral sex is relatively safe compared to vaginal sex, they need to be made aware of the link between HPV and oral cancer.